Patience

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing live your way into the answer.   – Rainer Maria Rilke

 

I think I’m being invited to grow in patience. On my retreat week in October, as I stood in the centre of the labyrinth, I felt the change of seasons all around me. There is a time to let go of things, a time to be dormant, and a time to welcome new life to emerge. I’m in a time of letting go: letting go of past connections, of old belongings, of old ways and habits, of old responsibilities and also of expectations that I brought with me concerning my/our new life. I’m in a time of letting go, and simply being patient, living within the ambiguity, uncertainty, unknowing of this season of life.

I was given the Rilke quote in my Weight Watchers meeting two weeks ago and found it complemented my retreat work so beautifully. I settled down even more to waiting patiently in the unknowing of my new life. I’m not ready to hear the answers yet. I’m not ready to know what my new life will be. I know God’s Spirit is alive and would give me answers if I needed them, but I don’t. I can wait before unopened doors and be content. I can be alive in the uncertainty. How wonderful! I can be fully alive in the uncertainty of a new life. I don’t need to know. What a relief that is!

Patience. Waiting. Trusting.

Do you have unanswered questions in your life? What would it look like for you to put them behind a closed door? That could look like giving them to God in prayer, or writing them on a paper and placing them in a ‘God-Box’. Then you can pull up a chair and wait before the door.

Have patience as you wait with God, in everything that is unresolved in your life. Enjoy today.

Love and prayers

Anne

Mystic in Motion

Contemplative Fire, Community Leader Canada

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Stay on the Path!

Do you recognize the name Rivendell? If you’re a Tolkien fan you will know it as  Elrond’s home, an elven place of healing and restoration. As I was making my retreat at Rivendell Retreat Centre, I thought I might dip back into ‘Lord of the Rings’. It has been over forty-five years since I read it. I wondered if some of the journey motif might speak into my current season, for I’m on the move and a quest too!

I decided to start with the pre-quel, ‘The Hobbit’, joining Bilbo and the dwarves on their adventure. Last night I woke in the middle of the night with a full brain. (Does that ever happen to you?) I felt like I was joining the gang as they made their way through Mirkwood, a deep, dark and dangerous forest. The guiding wizard, Gandalf had warned them to ‘stay on the path’. They were NEVER to set foot off it or they’d get lost and most likely perish. STAY ON THE PATH!! As the troop make their way into Mirkwood, it gets darker and darker. They walk for many days consuming all their food and water. The nights are pitch black except for colored eyes watching them. Oh, it’s murky….and then, so very tired, distraught and hungry, they smell food. ‘STAY ON THE PATH!’ I yell at them, but they don’t heed me and go racing after the smells, never to catch them, only to get into serious trouble. Why didn’t they listen?

As I woke last night I found myself in Mirkwood. All those busy brain thoughts were tempting me to leave the path: solve that problem, replay that conversation and make it come out differently, puzzle out the unsolvable ‘whys’ of life. Essentially the voices in Mirkwood cry out to draw me off the path of peace. Don’t walk that path any longer. Where is it taking you anyway?  No…. I will stay on the path. I will.

Sometimes life is very murky, especially in the middle of the night! When life is

murky, that’s the time to stay on the path. Stay with what you know to be true. Go back to what was right and good when the sun was shining. Keep that as your compass. Let the goodness you knew in the shining sun be your guide. It’s not the same as following a rule book. It is following the deepest lived experience you have. It is being authentic. As I read in Deuteronomy this week, ‘let these truths be written and held within your heart’.

One of my deepest truths is that it is in and through my authenticity that God’s

Loving Spirit can work best within me. When I’m being as real as Anne as I can be, that is my best offering to God. It might be messy, but God doesn’t run from my mess. It might be dark, but I’ve known God’s presence in my darkest places. The Spirit of God doesn’t fear my darkness or hide from it.

When I walk through my own Mirkwood, God is always present, even in the darkness. My job…STAY ON THE PATH. Be my best self, even when I don’t want to, even when I get tempted by smells off the path. Stay on the path. Be my best self.

What has been your Mirkwood experience?

Love and prayers

Anne+

Mystic in Motion

Contemplative Fire Community Leader Canada

My Pace Bunny

 

During my retreat week, I felt it was time for an in-depth re-tuning of my Rhythm of Life, so  I made my way through Contemplative Fire’s ‘The Companion’s Journey’, a series designed to help us be in touch with our rhythm. As I read through the material, one phrase that resonated was the invitation to follow Jesus as he leads me in a contemplative pace……a contemplative pace.

 

A few days before that I’d hiked up the mountain behind our home with my daughter and her partner. They are avid hikers. I’d done this trail before and I knew how steep it was and how much exertion I’d experienced. I warned them I’d need to stop and catch my breath! My daughter responded with ‘Not a problem Mom. We walk ‘slowly-slowly’.’ She actually had a Hindi word for it that sounds like ‘pulley-pulley’. She described how they walk so slowly uphill they don’t ever need to stop to catch their breath. Others may initially run past them, but eventually they usually pass all those who exert themselves.

We started up the mountain and my daughter walked ahead of me. About a half hour into our hike I realized that I hadn’t stopped once to catch my breath. Yes, my heart was pounding, but I was okay. I could keep this pace up. I’m not a runner, but my daughter is, and I’ve cheered her along in a few of her marathons. In those races there are people who wear rabbit ears with a number on them. They are called ‘Pace Bunnies’ and are volunteers who will run at a set pace, some faster, some slower. Racers find a Pace Bunny with their expected time and let the bunny set their pace for the race. My daughter became my Pace Bunny as we climbed the mountain that day. It was wonderful. I let her lead the pace. We’d stop and look at some marvelous trees and then we’d move on. It was all natural and organic.

 

So… I hear the invitation to let Jesus be My Contemplative Pace Bunny. As I follow him, he’ll set the pace for me, sometimes with some pep, sometimes lingering even stopping to gaze, but always moving forward. I can identify him too. Not by rabbit ears with numbers, but I know his aroma, his taste. I can recognize the deep peace of Christ, the sweet ease, the inner spaciousness, and always the practical compassion. His ways are known, not hidden. If I lose sight of him and sometimes I do, I can ask those around me for help to find him again. He won’t go far. He keeps his eye on those walking with him.

My time on retreat has been a slow time, time to linger and gaze, time to re-tune myself, and say ‘yes’ to following my Contemplative Pace Bunny.

Who sets the pace for your life?

Love and prayers

Anne+

Mystic in Motion

Contemplative Fire, Community Leader Canada

It Time to Start Again

I’ve arrived in my new home, but I’m not settled yet.

Gosh, but moving takes a long, long time! Intellectually I know it is highest on the stress scale, even higher than death and divorce, but I hadn’t anticipated the length of it. I thought it was a task of purging/sorting/packing and then unpacking/purging/setting up, and it is, but it is so much more. It’s a process that can’t be hurried. I can not settle in any faster than I am. I’d like to. I’d like to wave my magic wand and have my home in order and a new life established, but I simply can’t do it. All of my organizing competencies can’t make it happen quickly. I’m like a tender shoot that has been transplanted and it takes time to get over the shock, root and grow before blooming.

I’m realizing I’m not in charge. I’m so not in charge.

This morning I was aware that I’m the same person that I was before I got whipped around and dropped on the edge of the country, and although I’ve lost all my old anchors, disciplines and rhythms, I still need them. On some level I understand that they will be different here and I need the freedom to find new anchors, disciplines and rhythms, but I also know they will be similar or familiar.  I still need to eat healthily, but who will inspire me? I still need to exercise, but what form will that take? I will still pray, but what will it look like? I will still study, but what will be it’s focus? I will still live compassionately, but who will that touch?

During the last two years writing ‘Mystic in Motion’ has been another anchor for me. You, Gentle Readers, have been people who have shared my adventure. Writing helps me process what is transpiring. I always feel well as I finish a piece and connect with you. Some of you I know, and some of you I don’t know. I appreciate you all being there and sharing my journey. I remain a ‘mystic’ who is ‘in motion’. This time, much of my motion relates to the upheaval of a move across my country.

I’m back. Writing is part of my life. And you, Gentle Readers as you receive me are part of my life.

On Monday I leave for a week of solitude, silence and stillness. I hope it will be a week where I can be open to God’s Spirit to hear my next steps in this new life. I’ve arrived, and I need to settle. Please pray for me.

(This was one of our sunsets last week.)

Love and Prayers

Anne+

Mystic in Motion

Contemplative Fire Community Leader Canada

There’s a Sign on My Door…

There’s a sign on my door, but what is it? ‘Gone Fishing’ implies I’m off on holiday. ‘Out to Lunch’ says I’m taking a needed break for nourishment. ‘Under New Management’ says same business but new influence. ‘Sold’ says I’ve closed and ‘Retiring – Thanks for your business’ says the same. To some degree all of those are true, but not quite expressive of what’s happening to me.

As the days lengthen with summer ease, we prepare for our annual family visit and our move kicks into high gear, I realize the desire to release myself from the discipline of offering a weekly thought. I always write, for it’s second nature to me, but I need to give myself the permission to publish again when I’m ready. I want my offerings to be Spirit led, not pushed by my driven nature who produces no matter what!

Maybe the sign is ‘Relocating – New Location Four Provinces Over’. But that doesn’t quite express it either.

I find our move is taking up a lot of my energy. I’ve let my inner organizer get to work which has been helpful, but I feel the loss of the spaciousness I’ve known in the last year. When I started the blog, I was working, and it was therapeutic for me to write my angst. It helped me find a path towards more inner spaciousness and rest. Right now, I need a break from weekly writing, at least for the summer, or until the Spirit says again to me ‘Write Anne’. I want my offerings to be led by the Spirit and not by my driven, habitual nature. Perhaps they’ll become sporadic. I simply don’t know.

I’m currently reading one of David Benner’s books ‘Living Wisdom’. I’m wondering about writing a series in the fall that works through his material. Each chapter has ‘Questions to Ponder’ and an intriguing reading list. I’m considering using this material as the Study portion for my Rhythm of Life in the fall. He has published the book in a PDF and made it available without cost. If you’d like to explore it and consider joining me, here is the link:

You can download the PDF book at the following link: www.drdavidgbenner.ca/sdm_downloads/living-wisdom/

with the password: livingwisdom. If that fails try his website www.drdavidgbenner.ca

So… Good-bye for now. God is with you. Pray for me as Spirit leads you. Take care of each other. Who will you be kind to today? Who will you forgive? Who will you let love you?

I will miss you.

Love and Prayers

Anne

Mystic in Motion

Contemplative Fire, Community Leader Canada

 

 

My Job

So many people ask me — ‘What will you do out west Anne? Will you work as a priest? Are you transferring your license to work in a parish? Will you continue to write? What is your dream for your life?’.  

This week embedded in one of Barbara Brown Taylor’s sermons I found a descriptive phrase for my life – my current one, and the one to come.

‘Our job is to wait without losing hope.’

We’re nearly at the equinox when the days are long, and then we begin the cycle into the long dark days of winter. So many of us find the world in dark place right now. World leaders trouble us, slavery continues, refugees suffer and daily we see violence in the news. Even without nature and the world’s happenings, we all know situational darkness that envelopes our lives when the phone rings, or doesn’t ring, when someone no longer comes home, when the pay cheques stop, when the dreams fall apart…..Or the silence when the God we knew seems to disappear and we can’t find the sparkle of faith we once knew.

Taylor was writing about the darkness, so I’m comfortable tweaking my job description:

My job is to wait in the dark without losing hope.

I don’t know what my days will look like when I wake up one morning in my same bed, but in BC. But I do know the flow of my days here and I imagine they will continue no matter what lies ahead for me.

My rhythm involves taking time in the morning for devotional reading and meditation. I read from a variety of sources – scripture, poetry, theology, prayer, spiritual masters. I have many teachers who I allow into my world for soul formation. I contemplate and meditate which allow me to rest in the presence of God. Even in the silence of God, I know myself as a branch entwined with the Divine Vine. Then my day unfolds as prayer. What mischief will we get up to today? To whom am I to smile? To whom will forgiveness be given? To whom will I be vulnerable?  My prayers are no longer tucked into a few devotional hours in the morning, but flow through me throughout the day. And they flow, whether the light is sparkling in me like it did during my Sabbath Leave and the year that followed, or whether the darkness surrounds me as it can in this time of the relentless work of a move and significant uncertainty. No matter what…

My job is to wait without losing hope.

Each moment of each day is prayer, unceasing prayer, all grounded in the God I know and yet don’t know, the One I open to and rest in each morning in my study time and meditation, and the one I play with as I sort through each drawer in our home.

My job is to wait without losing hope.

How about you Gentle Reader … Where are you called to wait and hope? What’s your job description?

If this is interesting to you, please show support by sharing it with a friend. Let’s broaden the contemplative pathway.

Love and prayers

Anne+

Mystic in Motion

Contemplative Fire, Community Leader Canada

 

I Need Help

 

Most people had left our party, but a small group was lingering, and I invited them to linger longer for an ‘after party’. I often find that time most special and again it was. Our conversation deepened, and we entered into child raising concerns. Hugh and I were clearly the older couple around the table. At one point a friend turned to me and said, ‘Anne, if you could do anything differently, what would it be?’ What a great question! Ah… to turn back the clock and raise our girls again with the wisdom of my sixties…. What would I do differently? I know right away what I’d do. I’d ask for help.

 

Forty years ago, when we were raising our daughters I didn’t know either, that there was help available or how to ask for it. I needed help for my own emotional well-being and also to sort out some of our child raising concerns. One of our daughters, even as an infant and toddler, exhibited extreme behaviour that I found very difficult to understand.

I’m so grateful that society has matured to make available and even mainstream many supports for our mental health and for parents, that weren’t commonplace in our day.

I also know the change that has taken place within me over these forty years. I don’t wear nearly as many coping masks as I wore in those days. I’m able to be more honest with myself and more transparent with others. I know and accept more honestly, my imperfections and limitations. I can say, ‘I don’t know. I was wrong. I’m sorry. I need help. Will you help me? I love you.’. I can live more simply from the ground of knowing that your life, is Your Life and not my business and yet still care for you. I’m comfortable in my own skin.

When I hurt physically, I can go to my chiropractor or doctor. When I’m stuck emotionally and can’t find my way through a tough feeling, I can ask a therapist to help me. I treasure having a soul friend and a spiritual director in my life to share my spiritual journey. I don’t expect my husband or friend to be my doctor, therapist or soul friend. I get to enjoy them, as husband and friend.

Gentle Reader, how about you? How do you ask for help? Or…. What would you do differently?

If this is interesting to you, please show support by sharing it with a friend. Let’s broaden the contemplative pathway.

Love and prayers

Anne+

Mystic in Motion

Contemplative Fire, Community Leader Canada

 

 

From the Quiet Within

Usually something surfaces for me to write about, but this week, I’m quiet inside. Usually there is a word, phrase, image or thought that has held my attention. I want to either share it or chew it over with you. But tonight, I’m quiet inside. I ask…. ‘Precious One, is there anything I might share this week?’. And I’m quiet inside.

I’m grateful for the quietness tonight, for my prayer times have been anything but quiet for the last few weeks. The work of move has invaded my interior stillness. My mind is active.

This past week we visited the house that will become our new home in August. I’m awed at the privilege of living in such beauty. During our visit, I met Madame Mountain. She lives at the end of our driveway. I’ll see her every time I leave my home. Each time I go to the grocery store or take out the garbage, I simply need to look up and see a mountain towering overhead. I’m sure someone has ‘named’ her, but I have no idea what it is. How strange to think we can ‘name’ a mountain or a lake, river, or ocean…! I wonder if she’ll tell me her name if I sit very still with her and get to know her? Ahhh – all that lies ahead!

Perhaps it’s the activity of the move that steals away my writing thoughts. Hmmm perhaps it’s the awe I’m standing in. It’s hard to grasp that I’m being given something I’ve longed for. Can this really be true? Can I be so loved?

It’s time for me to be still, to settle into the Quietness within and be grateful for all.

Would you join me in a few minutes of quiet?Take a deep breath…. Sit within the Divine Quietness. Let Jesus love you, in just the way you need.

 

If this is interesting to you, please show support by sharing it with a friend. Let’s broaden the contemplative pathway.

Love and prayers

Anne+

Mystic in Motion

Contemplative Fire, Community Leader Canada

 

 

In the Candy Store

 

This week I’ve felt like a child in a candy store. From the groanings of my 50’s I moved into the celebration of my 60’s. From labour pains to holding my baby! The memoir course has been a grand accompaniment to our re-location. For the last eight weeks I’ve moved through my life one decade at a time. Each week I’d prepare 500 words about some incident or theme from that decade and each week I’d listen to the other participant’s stories of their experiences. We moved through our lives together, week by week. It was so interesting to hear similar themes emerge even though our locations, actual experiences and responsibilities were different. I became more aware of a common human thread to being human.

I’ve also been reading Jean Vanier’s “Tears of Silence” and this week savoured his poem about maturity.

 

 

maturity of the heart:

accepting

myself

with my limits

in my poverty

i do not fear

the

other

 

no fear that

i will be beaten up

devoured

lose my being

 

no fear

of showing who I am

 

I am very happy aging, growing comfortable with who I am. My 60’s have been by far the most satisfying decade of my life. A whole decade with Contemplative Fire where I have found a spiritual home and companionship. Our vision statement is “Creating a Community of Christ at the Edge”. This week I realized our re-location is taking us to the edge of our country, to the North Shore of British Columbia…. Hmmm I wonder what our Loving Spirit has in her mind.

And you, Gentle Reader, and your life journey…. Are you groaning or celebrating? How do you respond to the poem? Whatever your age, how do you respond to the aging process that is our lot as humans?

If this is interesting to you, please show support by sharing it with a friend. Let’s broaden the contemplative pathway.

Love and prayers

Anne+

Mystic in Motion

Contemplative Fire, Community Leader Canada

 

 

 

Take a Deep Breath and Push!

 

I’ve given birth to four babies. I know the feeling of the labour pains prior to birth. It’s commonly said mom’s forget those pains, and on one level I do….but I still retain residual memories! Women are wonderful, amazing beings to go through childbirth again and again and again.

But back to labour pains….one of the scriptures last Sunday was the description of how the Spirit groans within us. Creation is groaning, waiting for this world to be put right. We are groaning, waiting for things to be put right. Sometimes in our groans we can articulate the yearning, but often we can’t. There is simply something within us that groans. We know the world around us, the world within us isn’t right yet and we yearn, deeply longing for something else. The longing comes because we carry within us a God-given hope. The Spirit of God within us prays for us, with words we can’t understand. The Spirit either takes our groanings, or actually is our groaning, our longing for a shift.

Last week I found myself groaning. Some combination of the work of moving (memories get stirred up and then a pinch of concern gets added!) and a memoir course I’m taking (that week it was my 50’s – help, they were tumultuous!), stirred up deep longings within me. By the time Saturday came, I was tired.

When I read the Romans passage on Sunday, I could see my groanings with a different perspective. The ache, the longing, the waiting, the work of the week are the labour pains of the new life that is coming.

To be pregnant is fun but also at times painful and hard work. It is so rewarding when you hold your new infant … there are no words for that indescribable moment. I’ve been ‘pregnant’ in ministry too. I remember knowing deep within that Contemplative Fire was coming. Those months were precious. They were fun but also hard work and at times painful. And then… the fruit was precious. Our first retreat was memorable and there has been so much goodness in the years that followed.

I think I’m ‘pregnant’ again! I can feel the new life growing within me. I can smell the forest, feel the spaciousness of our new surroundings and hear the laughter of family around me. But, right now it is work and sometimes painful.

Childbirth hurts. Sometimes it felt like I was going to crack open. Bringing something new into the world hurts. Going through any kind of change in our life can often hurt. Shedding the skin of old ways. Fumbling, falling, learning new ways. It’s not easy. What if we are able to see the pain of change, as the groaning of new birth, as the longing of the Spirit within us for a new way forward, an expansion of God’s ways into the world? Each worry, fear, concern can be an ache of labour towards a new way to live.

There is always a new way coming. It doesn’t have to be a major move. Life is always unfolding. God’s Spirit is always at work drawing us closer and closer to a new world, a world where Love wins.

I choose love. In the midst of all the groanings of life, I choose to follow love’s pathway. I choose to walk hand in hand with goodness. When your groanings come…what will you choose?

If this is interesting to you, please show support by sharing it with a friend. Let’s broaden the contemplative pathway.

Love and prayers

Anne+

Mystic in Motion

Contemplative Fire, Community Leader Canada