Wow! Today I looked in my fridge and realized that it has a lot of food in it. More than normal. Then I realized that I’ve been baking and looking for sweets.
Comfort eating was something I learnt as a child. As an adult I thought I’d learned to separate myself from it – at least most of the time! I keep a watchful eye on consumption and my size for I’ve seen it expand many times. Expand and contract was my pattern for years, but in the last few years I’ve settled into a comfortable size and keep a watchful eye on that Craving Monster that lives inside me. WW has been a very helpful support in changing my relationship to food.
But Wow! My fridge is full, and I’ve been baking and craving sweets. Without any intention something deep inside me said, “I’m a little scared. I think I need a cookie.” I didn’t hear the voice, but today when I opened my fridge, I realized that I have been responding to a deep current within me that seeks food for comfort.
When I was a little girl, I had regular nightmares. I’d wake scared and then go find my mother. She kept a box of cookies in a cupboard near my room. We’d sit down together, I’d tell her my nightmare and she’d give me a cookie….or two. Later we had a habit that she would simply leave me a cookie by my bed so when I woke scared during the night I could immediately reach for a cookie. As the years moved on I satisfied lots of fears and insecurities with cookies, chocolate bars, ice cream, bread … and did I mention cheese?
It was years ago I saw those patterns. I’ve done lots of work in those areas. I realized this week how very subtle is my internal world. Yes, I know the patterns. I know the disciplines. I know how to make good choices. Most of the time I do. My senses don’t usually dominate my life choices. In the midst of the virus seclusion I haven’t felt on a conscious level any fear. Yet without my awareness a scared part of me has been grocery shopping and baking. Some unconscious current has been moving. How subtle. How hidden. Yet not – my fridge is FULL!
What an intriguing journey to be a human being. There is always something new to learn. I’m humbled with the awareness of power of unconscious currents in my life.
How’s your fridge? How are you coping with your seclusion? Any surprises?
A fellow pilgrim on this human journey….
Mystic in Motion
Companion on the Way with Contemplative Fire
Contemplative Fire Canada (Founder)